Ooops.

That one word could easily sum up so much of my life over the past 8 months.


Ooops, I haven't blogged for an eternity.
Ooops, my house is a disaster.
Ooops, I forgot my friend's birthday.
Ooops, I sometimes make mistakes.
Ooops, I guess I'm not perfect...
Ooops, there goes life - passing me by.


Why haven't I blogged? Probably has a lot to do with the fact that I've struggled to get real with myself in regard to many aspects of my life over the past 8 months. Why blog when I can't even be honest with myself? What am I layin' out there? Just a bunch of fluff that I think people want to hear? That they expect me to say. Boring. Totally predictable.


Over the past few weeks I have started to let it out. Lift the weight. End the struggle. Sometimes I think that I'm just making everything much, much, much worse for myself. Then, I realize that I've been taking the easy way out for so long by not being honest with myself and everyone around me. It's so much easier to ignore your problems and carry on. Until the day comes when you've totally lost yourself and can't ignore the issues any longer. Life is not easy. There will be hurt. There will be tears. But the struggle will everntually bring happiness. For everyone. And I do see light at the end of the darkness, no matter how subtle it is at this moment in time.


Last week I completed my first clinical 'rotation' if you will. 135 hours down of 675. Seems like a small dent, but at least it's something. I am loving it...LOVING it...There is a very long story regarding the hardship it took me to finally get started at the hospital, but that's all in the past now - and I am finally living my dream by being able to care for women and babies. It still blows my mind that I have received life, a brand new life, into my outstretched hands. I can only hope that the respect, admiration, joy, and awe I feel for my patients is also felt and acknowledged by them. I love my job.


So yeah, LIFE. Seems so complicated. When, in reality, the concept is simple. New life comes into the world every day. Every second of every day. And old life exits in much the same manner. It's what you do with what you've got between point A and point B that matters. Moral of the story - you've got one life, make it count.

Spring Break

Well, spring hasn't really 'sprung' here yet - and I don't consider one week much of a break - but I thought that it made a cool sounding blog post title..

Another term of school is officially complete! I love the euphoric feeling I get whenever I hit that 'submit' button for the 'final' final. I'm in awe that I'm entering my third year of this craziness called grad-school. I'm also beginning to wonder if I'll know what to do with myself when the classes are through and it's time to poke my head out into the real world.

I have one week to rest my brain (which I'm sure won't happen), and then it will be time to dive back into the madness. After the spring term, I'll be clinical bound - and I can't wait. I only hope that said brain will retain all of the information (and believe me, it's a ton) I need to practice. Will I be uncomfortable and  nervous as hell during my first few days of clinical? I can guarantee it. Will I eventually become more confident in my role as a student nurse midwife as time passes? I sure hope so..

Soooo, until we reach that point life goes on at mind-boggling speed. My firstborn is turning 10 tomorrow. I'm not quite sure how that's possible, but it's true. I remember having him like it was yesterday. He has turned into such a loving, caring, smart boy, and I am so proud of him...

Happy Spring!!

Neglected.

That's what my poor blog has been!

Oops, over a month and I haven't blogged a word. Hmm.....

School is going well. Truth be told, I am beginning to get a bit burned out on the books. I am ready to get in there and get my hands wet (probably literally LOL)..One more term to complete after this one, and then I'm 'Clinical Bound'. I cannot WAIT...I should probably be careful what I wish for, seeing as how I'm going to have to continue to work at the Clinic part-time (or move into a cardboard box) - and complete my clinical requirements simultaneously. I honestly have no earthly idea how the entire process works, but I'm sure I will be learning in the near future. Do I have to meet a certain number of hours? Or just fulfill my 'numbers'? Can my clinical hours be flexible (God, I hope so!!!)? Will I ever sleep again? One of my bigger fears about becoming a midwife - functioning on little to no sleep. And functioning well.

We traveled to Florida over school vaca last week. What a whirlwind trip! The kids had a blast! I tried to not stress out about school (because I certainly wasn't on break..break? What the hell is a break?!!) - but it was difficult. Who wants to study after being at an amusement park all day long? Not me! As was evidenced by my less-than-stellar performance on my Advanced Antepartum exam..Picture this - day before the exam I had spent the entire day at Universal Studios. I made the mistake of riding the Harry Potter experience - which was basically a motion-sickness-sufferer's worst nightmare...so, I'm feeling hungover the next morning (and it wasn't from an abundance of alcohol)...Wes is gone for a work conference..my sister in law graciously takes my kids down to the pool so that I can take this exam (which I haven't really studied for)...the front desk is harrassing me to check out...and there I sit inside the condo on my laptop taking an exam that is due by 6 pm (we're heading to the airport for a 6:45pm flight - but of course check-out is in the AM)..it was a nightmare..I hit submit and just chanted 'please let me pass, please let me pass'. I guess someone was listening, because I BARELY passed with an 80. Anything below an 80 = epic fail. Literally. Gotta love distance learning.

On that note, I'm out! Hopefully I'll be back sooner than one month from now ;)

Snow, snow, go away..

Honestly. It's falling. Again. I think we're getting payback for the past couple of 'mild' winters we've had (if there is such an animal).

I don't mind the snow, really. I mind clearing the snow. And I'm not sure where, exactly, this new 10 inches is going to go - considering I already can't see past the monstrous snowbanks at the end of my driveway. And, oh, did I mention that my snowblower is currently out of commission? The shop has had it for like a week. Nice.

So goes another day in New England. I have been having a pretty decent New Year so far. I am feeling *sort of* on top of things as far as school goes. Except for that one little speedbump I just encountered. I thought that my first big exam in my newborn/postpartum class was due by this Saturday at 5pm. I just looked at the class calendar (don't ask me why, but I'm glad I did) and it says it's due by Friday at midnight. Lovely. Awesome. I'm working Friday from 8:30-8:30. Not to mention that the kids will most likely be home from school all day tomorrow. There goes any glimmer of hope for some quiet time to study tomorrow. Oh, well, adapt and overcome...that's what I had to do when the kids were home (on yet another 'snow day') and I had to lead a class about newborn polycythemia online. Thank God for pay-per-view.

I don't really have anything else substantial to contribute. I'm on a regular schedule at work now, so I'm cutting the kids back to only two days a week at the after-school program. I will probably be cursing myself after the first couple of weeks, but it will be a huge money-saver. This also means that I will probably be asking for a leave of absence from my per diem position on L+D, which makes me very sad. I haven't worked there for months. I miss it. I mean, it's my passion..but I guess that I have to do what I have to do to get to my final 'destination'..I won't be able to work concurrently as an RN and a student nurse midwife on the unit when it comes time for clinical - which is coming up quickly..and I don't have the extra time to devote to extra shifts on L+D between my schoolwork and working part time at the Clinic...So it goes...

Well, I'm off to brave the snow :)