Chaos.

I've come to the conclusion that I thrive on it. On many different levels.
Personally.
Professionally.
Emotionally.

Today marked the first day of the spring term. The term that was *supposed* to be my final term of graduate school. Unfortunately, this will not be the case (thanks to the out-of-my-hands-late-initiation of my clinical rotation I am now a full term behind). I checked in to my one-credit course this afternoon and made the mistake of beginning to read the instructions and assignments. Chaos. I can feel every muscle in my body tensing as I sit here just thinking about it. I have to write a birth center proposal. A full blown mess. This course is only worth one credit? Really?? Do I want to do this? No. But baby, I've come too far to look back now. It might be hell, but I will write the proposal and hit submit with a smile on my face - knowing that it will bring me one step closer to graduation. 

What gets me the most is the layers. The layers of my life. It's not as if this horrifying proposal is the only thing on my plate. I still have the pleasure of working the 'paying' job 24 hours a week. Add to that another 20+ hours of clinical. And clinical isn't merely showing up at the hospital or office, seeing patients, and being on my merry way. Nooooo, I need to upload and track each and every patient visit, complete multiple clinical assignments, feel extreme pressure to get my hours in, need continuity clients, and have to complete daily evals, weekly self-evals, monthly evals. I'm being evaluated to death. There's my professional chaos....(On the up-side, clinical is wonderful..I have caught 18 babies. Gently guided 18 newborn souls into this world...there is no better feeling..and I need to remind myself of that fact when I begin to feel as if I can't take the chaos for one. more. day. There are women out there who need a midwife. Need someone to listen to them, to guide them through pregnancy and birth (and beyond!), to be 'with' them. Hence, I move onward...) 

I could go on for hours about my emotional and personal chaos. In the midst of my valiant attempt to finish graduate school, I've also made some difficult personal decisions. There never seems to be a 'right' time to make a difficult decision in life. Things come up - birthdays, holidays, vacations, trying to finish grad school - and who wants to ruin a good time with a painful, life-altering decision? Meanwhile, the really rotten life issues that no one wants to talk about or confront get pushed down. Deeper. And deeper. Until everyone thinks that maybe they'll just disappear if ignored for long enough. But they don't. Instead, they eventually come back bigger and better than ever. More pain, more hurt, less understanding. Finally, you lose yourself and don't know which end is up. Chaos.

The good news is that I haven't lost sight of the light at the end of my tunnel. I know that it is going to take a lot of hurt, sweat, and tears to get there - but it's there. I will do this. And I'll be a much better person in many more ways than one when all is said and done. I can't wait. Patience is not my strongest virtue, but I recognize that I am going to require much more of it than I ever have in my life in the upcoming six months. I'm very blessed to have people in my life who love me and support me. Unconditionally. Through the chaos. Through MY chaos. 

I don't know what I'll do with myself once the chaos ceases. 

But, then, who am I kidding? I'm not so sure it will ever end. And I'm also pretty sure I'll be just fine with that...The choice is mine -

OR...

Ooops.

That one word could easily sum up so much of my life over the past 8 months.


Ooops, I haven't blogged for an eternity.
Ooops, my house is a disaster.
Ooops, I forgot my friend's birthday.
Ooops, I sometimes make mistakes.
Ooops, I guess I'm not perfect...
Ooops, there goes life - passing me by.


Why haven't I blogged? Probably has a lot to do with the fact that I've struggled to get real with myself in regard to many aspects of my life over the past 8 months. Why blog when I can't even be honest with myself? What am I layin' out there? Just a bunch of fluff that I think people want to hear? That they expect me to say. Boring. Totally predictable.


Over the past few weeks I have started to let it out. Lift the weight. End the struggle. Sometimes I think that I'm just making everything much, much, much worse for myself. Then, I realize that I've been taking the easy way out for so long by not being honest with myself and everyone around me. It's so much easier to ignore your problems and carry on. Until the day comes when you've totally lost yourself and can't ignore the issues any longer. Life is not easy. There will be hurt. There will be tears. But the struggle will everntually bring happiness. For everyone. And I do see light at the end of the darkness, no matter how subtle it is at this moment in time.


Last week I completed my first clinical 'rotation' if you will. 135 hours down of 675. Seems like a small dent, but at least it's something. I am loving it...LOVING it...There is a very long story regarding the hardship it took me to finally get started at the hospital, but that's all in the past now - and I am finally living my dream by being able to care for women and babies. It still blows my mind that I have received life, a brand new life, into my outstretched hands. I can only hope that the respect, admiration, joy, and awe I feel for my patients is also felt and acknowledged by them. I love my job.


So yeah, LIFE. Seems so complicated. When, in reality, the concept is simple. New life comes into the world every day. Every second of every day. And old life exits in much the same manner. It's what you do with what you've got between point A and point B that matters. Moral of the story - you've got one life, make it count.